Bad Habits

   I had a wonderful chat with an old friend this week. His wife wants to quit smoking, but she is afraid it will make her problems with depression worse. I could identify with her fears. I have addictions and behavior patterns that were put in place years ago as unconscious ways of dealing with things like depression, anxiety, terrible experiences from my past, and more. Sometimes life forces us to make choices, and one of the choices is to let these old habits go. What happens when these habits are no longer serving their purpose, and are actually contributing to the problems? You have to strongly consider your choices.

   For some of us, that is when the questions and fears creep in. What would I do without cigarettes, or that evening cocktail, glass of wine? How would I wind down to go to sleep? What happens when the voices in my head start to become ugly again? People don’t really want me to stop. I would become a miserable person to be around. How will I deal when the memories resurface? I wouldn’t be able to cope.

   Things like drinking and smoking are addictions, but they are also habits and a way of defining who we are. It takes a lot to break an addiction. In addition to that we have to review our day, and look at what new habits will take their place. If I’m not going to take 10 minutes to smoke a cigarette, how will I fill that time? Maybe I’ll start a blog, haha. But what really scares to me if I am no longer a smoker, who am I? What else about me will change? Who will I become?

   I have a love/hate relationship with daily affirmations. One of my SARK cards told me, “You are not what you do.” If not, them who am I!? We define ourselves largely by what we do. This is Andy. He is a teacher. This is Mary. She is a mother. Maybe the trick is to stop trying to define ourselves, and simply be.

   I shared this woman’s fear. I walked around with it for a day or two, until I had a realization. I have been making a lot of positive changes this year. Every time I do something good for myself I feel better. Making good choices always makes me feel better, not worse. Where is the data that if I continue to cut back on my smoking, and continue with all the other wonderful new healthy habits I am adding to my day, that I will feel worse? There is none.

   It’s time to let go of the old habits and addictions. It may even be time to let go of your old self. It’s time to take the next step, and trust that you will feel better.

Getting a Trim

   You know the opening for the title song from Hair? The one where the guy is sitting in jail screaming, "No! No! No! NO!" That's how I feel about change. My hair style has changed little since the 60's. I like long hair. I think it is feminine on women, and sexy on men. Of course we change and adapt. I started coloring my hair to hide the grey, and it started thinning all of it's own accord. Change just doesn't seem to stop coming. My hairdresser keeps telling me I need to trim my hair more often for it to grow. I understand that will make my hair healthier, but I want it long, and the act of cutting it makes it shorter!

   On this Labor Day weekend in the ocean resort areas near where I reside, change is being celebrated. Thousands of party goers have flocked to this area to close out the summer. It was hot and humid today, but the leaves are starting to turn and there is a chill in the air tonight.
   My husband and I worked in the yard today. I was trimming the shrubs, and accidentally took off the wrong branch. I do not usually make these mistakes, and was being very hard on myself. My husband said, "Don't worry. It will grow back." I was sure it wouldn't recover. I moved aside some branches for further inspection. At the bottom, where I had cut a branch last spring, there were shoots coming off of it. Maybe it would grow back, thicker and healthier. Maybe it would start to grow in the proper direction... Hmmm.

   As a person who normally hates change I wait until it is forced upon me. Sometimes I go down kicking and screaming, "No! No! NO!" Most of the time I choose not to complain, but here's an idea. What if we choose to change and grow in a new direction? This is a very foreign idea for me. I know it seems simple, but is it really? What do I need to trim in order for me to grow? What direction should I grow in? What if there really are no limits? What if you really can do or have anything you want? You may think it's silly, but this idea perplexes and frightens me.

   In this blog I will be sharing my thoughts, and probably the occasional rant, about life's changes, challenges, joys and successes. I'm just an average 47 year old woman, struggling with anxiety and depression, and striving to be a better person than I was last year, and in case you were wondering, here's a cat...